Does your son always seem to have trouble fighting? You tried to talk to him, but the aggressive behavior did not stop: he always stays at home with his brothers to the point of injury, he fights with the children on the bus and fights with his fists. school. In the first part of this two-part series about the aggressive behavior of children and adolescents, James Lehman explains why children fight from the beginning and he explains the three basic types of fighting that you as a child are confronted with. older.'The question' why 'does not entail a change in behavior, but the question' What did you try to achieve? "
Why are the fighting going on for boys and girls nowadays? Why do so many behavioral problems indeed increase for many children? It's not just about fighting; many children also find it much more difficult to respect authority, respect parenthood, follow simple instructions, and perform tasks. It seems that children at all levels of measurable behavior are even further back.
My experience is that all these behaviors are part of the same broader problem. For some reason, many children do not learn the problem-solving skills they need to prevent physical struggle. As a result, they develop ineffective coping skills.
If your child uses combat as a coping technique, you can of course feel frustrated and unsure about how to deal with this problem. Parents often panic when they begin to realize that their child's behavior is deteriorating. They respond with the same tools from the past, but use them stronger, stronger or more penal. The problem is that if your child does not respond to your parenting methods in the first place, it becomes harder to make it harder. In my opinion, it is not that parents should use their skills more intensively, but that they should develop more intense skills.
How children develop as fighters
Do some children come to fight and hand games more often? Perhaps. Many children have difficulty solving social problems, which can often lead to aggressive behavior. A social problem can be something to learn to eat when you are hungry, to share toys, to respond appropriately when an adult says "no", to not use drugs when your friends use it and to avoid sex. secured. Most children learn to control these problems as they grow. However, some children are distracted at some point in their development, perhaps due to a learning disability or other hidden factors. In any case, they do not develop the problem-solving skills they need to function at their level. They are children who often resort to violence and aggression: they use abuse and verbal combat instead of the coping skills they should have learned along the way.
Sometimes we unknowingly lead the development of our children's coping skills by teaching them to apologize and blame others. They don't just ask Tommy for an excuse, but if he doesn't, they are happy to give it. "Maybe you were angry?" So a better question is" What did you try to achieve when you got your brother hit? "Because it provides the facts of the action, because Tommy did what wasn't as important as what he was trying to achieve.
The question "why" does not lead to a behavioral change, but the question "what did you try to do" leads to this change, because when someone tells you what they are trying to achieve, there is a window where you can tell them how they can do it different next time. If we are not careful, at the age of five or six, we have taught them to apologize and justify inappropriate behavior. If they are old enough to handle it, you can ask them: "What else can you do next time to achieve this without hitting your younger brother or
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